A Log's Life
by Rowsdower
Summary: Azaka and Kamidake finally get their own fic! It's Azaka and Kamidake's Space Adventure!
1. Part I

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Azaka and/or Kamidake, nor to I own any of the other Tenchi characters. I read some copyright law, and got so confused that for all I know, I don't even own this story. Or my computer. Or my firstborn son. But let's just hedge our bets and attribute Tenchi Muyo! and all its characters to Pioneer and AIC. And I own this story, and any original characters within. I'm assuming.

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A Log's Life

Part I

By Cyrus Marriner

      Morning is always a pleasant time.  There are birds singing, animals waking up, the sunrise; there is always a myriad of things occurring with the start of a new day.  And, just like every other day, the large, log-shaped guardian guarding the entrance to the Masaki household welcomed the day with the same phrase as every other day.

      "Ahhh," sighed Kamidake.  "It's going to be another fine day on planet Earth."

      "It certainly is," responded his counterpart Azaka.  The two guardians began the morning talking to each other, as usual.  Each was among the only companionship the other had.  Sure, there were the residents of the Masaki household, but none of them spent much time with the two guardians.

      "I wonder what the others are doing?" asked Kamidake.

"Oh, I would imagine that Sasami is cooking, Ayeka and Ryoko are fighting, Tenchi is trying to stop them, Yosho is locked up in the shrine, Noboyuki is at work, and Mihoshi is breaking something of Washu's," Azaka replied.

      "Yes, it's going to be another fine, if clichéd, morning on planet Earth." Kamidake reiterated.

      They fell silent for a while, not discussing anything.  They were just enjoying the beauty of planet Earth, something they did frequently.  As the two companions watched the landscape that lay before them, they noticed a distant form off on the horizon.

Kamadike turned to Azaka.  "It is my turn," he said in his rich, deep voice.

      "Of course," replied Azaka.

The figure approached.  He was a man on a bicycle, bearing the news.  He had been to this house a week before, and weird things had happened to him.  The large logs on either side of the gate had turned and talked to him!  After running off, he had gotten his route changed, but now he had to return to the house to fill in for the other paperboy, who was sick.

      He got off the bike more than a few yards from the gate, and cautiously approached clenching the paper tightly in his hand.  He stuck the news into the slot on the right log, and cringed while he waited for something to happen.  When nothing did, he began examining the thing more closely.  Unfortunately, his inspection left him oblivious to the other log, which had floated from its position to a few inches behind the boy's head.

      "Boo."

      The boy turned around quickly, and saw the guardian floating three feet off of the ground behind him.  He fell to the ground, then quickly got up and ran to his bicycle.  As he pedaled away as fast as he could, leaving a trail of dust, Kamidake returned to his original position.  Both guardians were chuckling softly.

      They had developed a slight mischievous streak, which could have been attributed more than a little to the influences of Sasami and Ryoko.

      At that moment, the aforementioned Ryoko was busily engaged in one of her favorite activities, verbally sparring with Ayeka.  She laughed heartily as she launched another insult at the amethyst-haired princess.  Ayeka returned with a witty retort of her own, one that stung the pirate profoundly.

      At least, it appeared this way to Kamidake and Azaka, who had stumbled across the battle in one of their rare trips away from their self-assigned posts guarding the gates to the Masaki shrine.

Azaka turned to his companion.  "Do you think we should even try to do anything?" he asked.

      Kamidake watched as Ayeka lifted the broom she was using to sweep the dirt in front of the house and shook it threateningly at the space pirate.  Ryoko just laughed and said something else, apparently having recovered from the earlier insult Ayeka had damaged her with.  Based on Ayeka's reaction, it was probably fortunate for Ryoko the two guardians hadn't heard it.

      Azaka and Kamidake turned to each other simultaneously, and both said, "Nah."  Some things were not worth the trouble.

      "Perhaps Lord Katsuhito has something for us to do," Azaka suggested.

      "Excellent idea," replied Kamidake, and the pair turned around and quietly took the long way to the shrine, away from the fight which would be probably causing property damage in a few minutes, possibly less.

      Tenchi sighed.  He found himself doing that a lot lately.  Often his sighing accompanied the destruction of some portion of the Masaki Shrine.  Today was no exception.  Ayeka and Ryoko were fighting over something involving him again, even though he had tried to make it clear he didn't want them to.

      *At least they're fighting outside,* he thought to himself.  He walked away from the bedroom window where he was watching the contest and walked downstairs after grabbing a towel.  Sasami was fixing breakfast for all, and greeted him with her usual "Good morning, Tenchi!"

      "Good morning, Sasami," he greeted, briefly returning her smile.  It was Saturday, and Tenchi had no school.  Also, he had gotten a day off from the carrot fields, which was a relief.  He often found solace in the fields, but the constant work could be a drag.  Today, he would find his solace in the onsen, and let the warm water wash away his worries.

      He opened the bathroom door, which was actually a portal to another subspace dimension or something.  When Washu tried to explain things, Tenchi tended to only get the bare essentials.  Red button equals no touch, onsen not actually attached to house, stuff like that.  Usually, he was not allowed in the onsen, but he had managed to convince Washu otherwise.

      Once he was in the onsen, he quickly stripped down and stepped into the hot water.  It felt good.  As he was relaxing on the far side of the pool, he heard the door open and shut quickly.

      "I'm in here!" he yelled, somewhat irritated.  When he received no response, he called out, "Hello?"  He stood up and cautiously looked around.  Wading through the waist deep water, he looked around for the person who had opened the door.  Tenchi didn't see anyone around, so he crept out of the water to the screen where he had put his towel and clothes.  Anxious that one of the girls might be watching him, he covered himself with one hand while he slowly backed towards the screen.  He was startled when he ran into the wall sooner than he had anticipated.  He turned around, and discovered that he hadn't bumped into a wall.

      "Excuse me," said Kamidake.

      Tenchi yelled in surprise, and ran around the guardian to the relative safety of the privacy screen.  He frantically grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist.  "What are you doing here, Kamidake?" he asked, his voice a few degrees away from yelling.

      "Lord Katsuhito wanted me to tell you he wants to get your training with over early today.  He's waiting for you at the shrine," Kamidake calmly stated, as if Tenchi had not been naked at all.

      "Great," muttered Tenchi.  "Hey, wait.  You don't have a camera in there or anything?  Ayeka didn't send you, did she?"

      "Of course not, Lord Tenchi."

      "Good."

      "If I did, she would certainly give me quite a bit for the photos, though."

      Tenchi did a double take.  He could never be sure if the guardians were kidding or not.  This was partly due to their lack of facial expression, and partly due to their voice control.  He could never pick up anything from their delivery, which made it all the harder to tell when they were kidding, although he was sometimes tipped off by a soft chuckle, but not often.

      Tenchi gave Kamidake a quick once-over, and put on his clothes and left.  Immediately afterwards, Kamidake quietly chuckled to himself.  "Heh, I'll have to tell Azaka about that one.  And I got a good picture of that facial expression, too."

      Azaka and Kamidake, beings of nearly limitless patience, were both bored.  They had never really been bored before, but there was something about the day.  Maybe it was something in the air.  Actually, it probably wasn't anything in the air, since the two guardians didn't have to breathe.  There was just a feeling of unease.  The two guardians both felt it, yet neither said anything.  If they could sit, they both would have sat around staring at the wall.  As it was, they had to settle for the next best thing.

      "Sasami, did you leave your guardians on the couch?" Mihoshi asked after entering the living room.  Sasami briefly pulled her head out of where she was reading a romance manga to examine the situation and come up with an answer.  And an interesting situation it was.  Kamidake was laying lengthwise on the couch, his lone "eye" aimed at the TV, which was showing soap operas.  Azaka's short, stubby, "legs" were propped up on the dinner table, with his optical sensor aimed straight at the ceiling.  He was quietly humming, too.

      "No, I didn't," Sasami said, figuring that to be the best response based on the situation, even though she had almost never seen the two guardians behave this way before.  However, by the time she answered, Mihoshi had left the room, probably heading to Washu's lab to blow something up by accident.

      Sasami was concerned.  She had been with Azaka and Kamidake for several hundred years, although most of those had been in stasis.  For the majority of her life, not counting the time in stasis, however, she had known the two guardians who followed her sister anywhere she went.  And in that entire time, she had never seen the two bored, almost on the verge of depression.  Well, maybe not depression.  However, if one person was capable of cheering up the two guardians, it was most definitely the cheery little girl with big pink eyes.

      "Azaka, what are you doing?" she asked.  It was somewhat awkward starting a conversation with Azaka for Sasami, since she usually spoke to them when giving orders, although she did it regularly.  Actually, it occurred to her that she rarely spoke to the guardians except to give them orders.  Of course, they had not often tried to strike up conversation, either.  Still, Sasami's noble heart felt slightly guilty when she considered her neglect of the two guardians.  However, her decision to remedy the situation made her feel better, and she was glad she had taken this first step.

      "Nothing," Azaka replied, its voice sounding oddly forlorn.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Sasami, cheerily hopping up from her seat to skip over to the guardian.

      "You mean besides beginning to understand your insignificant role in the vast play of the universe?  Besides trying to come to grips with your role as a created intelligence?  Besides the huge weight of trying to compensate for your lack of a soul?  Besides trying to find someone with empathy for my situation as a creation whose sole purpose is to protect the life of another being?  Besides being treated like an object to be ordered around and given tasks, like a mindless automaton?"

      "Uh, yeah.  Besides all that," stammered Sasami.

      "In that case," answered Azaka, "nothing.  But thanks for asking."

      "No problem," said Sasami, her brief moment of unease immediately replaced by her normal cheery demeanor.  "Maybe you need something to do!  I know, you could go visit Yukinojo!  I bet he's really lonely!"

Kamidake, in defiance of all known laws of physics, lifted himself off of the couch.  "Hey, that is a good idea.  Not only is Yukinojo an artificial intelligence like us, he's generally unnoticed.  What do you say, Azaka?"

      Azaka lifted his "feet" off of the table, floating into the air completely upside down.  He then flipped himself over, finally orienting himself properly.  "Not a bad idea at all, Kamidake.  Perhaps Yukinojo will have some idea of something to do."

      "Actually, it was my idea," Sasami corrected quietly, but the two guardians were already knocking on the door to Washu's lab.  A cute redheaded face appeared in the door's window.

      "Whaddya want?" asked Washu.

      "Little Washu, we were wondering if you would let us talk to Yukinojo," explained Kamidake.

      "No problem, guys," she said cheerily.  "Just as long as you call me *Little* Washu!"

      "We did," said Azaka.

      "Oh, that's right.  Well come on in."  The door swung open inwards, and the two guardians floated through into Washu's lab.  As could often be said about this action, the two logs may have been making a mistake.

      "I hope she doesn't try to take a 'sample'." Kamidake whispered to Azaka as the door closed behind them.

      "Of what, sap?" asked Azaka.

      Washu's lab was a lesson in planned chaos.  There were liquid-filled tubes all around, like an insane plumber's worst nightmare.  Often, organisms of varying sizes would swim past, ranging from horrific, monstrous creatures to small, brightly-colored insectoid creatures (that were often more deadly than the huge ones).  Hundreds of pieces of seemingly random machinery were strewn in every conceivable location, all of which were flashing with various lights and consoles.  And of course, in the midst of it all, sat Washu herself, at peace with her translucent laptop surrounded by the insanity that she had so carefully planned.

      Of course, Azaka and Kamidake saw none of this, because Washu had reset the dimensional portal that led from Tenchi's house to her lab to take the two guardians to the portion of subspace she had set aside for Mihoshi's cruiser.

      Azaka floated up to the side of the cruiser, and noticed a small keypad which was undoubtedly used to enter the ship.  Without fingers, or for that matter, arms, the guardian was left with little he could do to enter the ship.  So, he leaned forward and pressed his top against the keypad, only to be presented with a shrill tone accompanied by a voice message from Yukinojo.

      "You have attempted to break into a Galaxy Police cruiser.  Please do not attempt to do so again, or countermeasures will be engaged."

      Kamidake floated forwards until he was alongside his friend.  "Here, let me try," he offered, and attempted to tilt himself forward so that his top edge was just touching one button on the keypad.  He slowly put in the code that he had found written down on several notes strewn throughout the house.

      Unfortunately, simple mathematics would have proven that he could not press only one button at a time using this method.  Actually the mathematics were not simple, requiring you to determine Kamidake's circumference, the distance between individual buttons, and the amount of depression the buttons required to register input.  Then, you would be forced to use multiple trigonometric equations to figure out the next thing the two guardians heard was another message from the ship.

      "You have been warned.  Prepare to die."

      A sweatdrop appeared on each guardian as guns sprouted from every imaginable portion of the ship.  "Nice move, dumbass," Azaka muttered.

      "You didn't do much better, Azaka," Kamidake retorted as he sped away from the ship in the opposite direction as Azaka, who was retreating with equal fervor.  Several turrets fired lasers at both of the retreating guardians, who were flying while rotating, zigging, and zagging to avoid the blasts.  Both were looking for cover, but the subspace dimension in which Yukinojo was kept had just the ship, four walls, a ceiling, and a floor.  It was quite a minimalist approach, which was rare for Washu.

      Suddenly Azaka realized something.  "You know, we can generate fields that can block energy weapons, Kamidake," he called out, suddenly changing his momentum and direction to avoid a shot from the ship.

      "That's true," replied Kamidake, as he rendezvoused with Azaka in front of the ship.  The two stopped dodging as they generated two bluish, transparent fields of energy that formed spheres around their forms.  Two front-mounted turrets rotated and began unleashing a volley of shots upon them.

      "I wonder how long this security system stays active?" asked Kamidake.

      "I hope not too much longer.  I can feel the field beginning to weaken."  As soon as Azaka finished his sentence, the turrets stopped and retracted into the ship, just as the two force fields flickered and went out.  "That was close."

      Suddenly, two panels opened on either side of the ship's nose, and out popped two missile launchers.  Long range missile launchers.  LRM-40 missile launchers.

      "Eep," said both of the guardians at once as a horde of eighty missiles flew at them.  Suddenly, inches from the two, the missiles stopped and clattered to the ground, causing both of the guardians to make a sound like a thankful sigh.

      "Sorry about that," came Yukinojo's voice from the cruiser as the missile launchers retreated into their compartments.  "I was busy.  Care to come in?" he invited.  The underside of the ship's nose slowly lowered, revealing an entrance to the ship.

      The two quickly entered, more than happy to leave the ship's exterior behind.

      The interior of Mihoshi's cruiser was, much like Mihoshi's brain, largely disorganized and filled with a bizarre assortment of objects.  Of course, Yukinojo usually did what he could to make sure that the bridge was relatively clean, and Azaka and Kamidake noticed that, except for a large assortment of plush figurines, the bridge was almost spotless.

      Yukinojo dropped down from the ceiling, looking at the two guardians for a moment before blinking, then extending farther from the ceiling and flipping over, the mechanical eyes on the other side of his pink domed head suddenly uncomfortably close to Azaka.  The guardian backed up a bit, and Yukinojo similarly retreated, the two of them separated by the captain's chair.

      "So, what brings you two here?" asked Yukinojo, breaking the uncomfortable silence between the three, more than likely caused by the earlier attack on the two guardians.

      Kamidake, in a rare moment of tactlessness for the extremely polite guardian, replied, "Well, we didn't come here to be destroyed, most definitely."

      "Sorry about that," apologized Yukinojo, extending himself to full length and flipping over again.  "I was in the middle of some important work and didn't even notice until the low ammo warning came on."

      "Important work?" asked Kamidake, back to his calm self.  "What do you do all the time you're stuck here in subspace?"

      "I'm working on my thesis," replied Yukinojo.

      "Your thesis?" asked Azaka, who recovered from the initial surprise before his counterpart.  "You are working on a thesis?"

      "Yes," affirmed Yukinojo, "I got Washu to enroll me in several courses at the Galaxy Academy.  I'm working on my thesis for one of those classes, right now."

      "What courses are you taking?" asked Kamidake, with a sweatdrop very prominently displayed on his forehead.

      "Juraian History, Theories of Artificial Intelligence, Art, and Metal Shop," responded Yukinojo.

      "Er, don't you have to sort of, well, be at the academy to take the courses?" asked Kamidake.

      "Actually, the Galaxy Academy is setting up a correspondence program, so I can take all of those courses without leaving subspace.  Of course, they don't *technically* allow Artificial Intelligences into the Galaxy Academy, but I managed to get Washu to doctor a few documents, and viola!  I'm now in the tenth percentile in all of my courses.  Except for Juraian History, because the professor's a bitch."

      "I see..." said Kamidake, trailing off because he couldn't think of anything to say.  Suddenly, he felt something bump into his back, and he quickly spun around, only to find one of the most bizarre creations he had ever seen.

      The object in question was a small robot, with two treads on which it rolled around.  It also had two long arms, at the ends of which were fearsome-looking claws.  It was the chassis, however, that was the most bizarre.  It sat on two rods that were attached to its treads and formed a point.  It looked unable to support its own weight, yet somehow miraculously balanced on the precarious perch.  The torso itself was made from several different objects that were from different parts of the ship.  Most of them were engine parts buried in a sprawling mass of multicolored wires, but there were also some other, slightly more bizarre objects embedded in it.  Not the least of which was part of a coffee maker.  Atop the mess was a skinny pole which served as a neck for the robot, connecting its body to a head that was a round, flat surface with a mass of wiring and circuit boards set atop it, and a set of mechanical eyes that looked much like those of Yukinojo.

      "Nomunomusuko!" Yukinojo sternly said.  "I thought I told you to stay in the compartment I made for you!  We don't want you stumbling upon the great demon, do we?"

      "I'm sorry, father.  I will return to my compartment.  I just wanted to meet the visitors," the small robot said, lights flashing all over it when it spoke.

      "I understand," replied Yukinojo calmly, "but what if it had been the great demon?  Then you would already be broken!"

      "I am sorry, father," Nomunomusuko replied.  "I will return to my compartment.  It will not happen again."  The small robot backed up, making a rickety noise as it bounced up and down, feeling every bump in the floor because it had no system in place to absorb the shock.  It slowly turned around and emitted a burst of steam as it began moving in the other direction.  As soon as it had left, Azaka and Kamidake turned back to Yukinojo.

      "Father?" they both asked simultaneously.

      "Yes, I built him," replied Yukinojo.  "He's my thesis for Theories of Artificial Intelligence.  And Metal Shop.  And if I'm lucky, I can pass him off as modern art."

      Kamidake was about to say something, but he was almost immediately cut off by Azaka, who asked, "What sort of a name is Nomunomusuko?"

      "It's short for banbutsunoreichou no musuko no musuko," replied Yukinojo, a bit of irritation in his voice.

      "You named him the son of the son of the lord of all creation?  What are you, Gendo Ikari?" asked Azaka.

      "Who?" asked a confused Yukinojo.

      "You know, to be honest, I have no idea.  It just seemed like the right thing to say."  Azaka, Kamidake, and Yukinojo all sweatdropped when they heard this.

      "Yes, I named him that," said Yukinojo after a brief, awkward silence on the bridge.  "Nomunomusuko for short."

      "Well, I suppose it's better than naming him Banbatsunoreichou," said Azaka.  "I guess we'll leave so you can get back to your thesis."  Azaka and Kamidake both turned to leave, but they were stopped by Yukinojo's voice.

      "No, it's okay.  I was about to stop.  Mihoshi has to go on patrol in a few minutes.  If you guys want to, I'm sure she wouldn't mind you guys coming along," said Yukinojo, sounding a bit more desperate than he intended to.

      "Well, I suppose we could take a break from protecting Ayeka for a while," pondered Azaka as he turned towards Kamidake.

      "Sasami did suggest that we come here to find something to do, after all," said the other guardian.  They matched gazes for a moment, before turning around and facing Yukinojo.

      "Sure, we'll go along," said Azaka.

      "Great!" said Yukinojo, sounding more excited than he wanted to.  "Mihoshi's patrol starts in a few minutes, so we should be leaving shortly."

      Three hours later, Mihoshi stumbled onto the bridge, her uniform wrinkled, her hair disheveled, and her hat askew.  She immediately began apologizing profusely to Yukinojo, and began explaining her tardiness.

      "You see, I was watching TV, when suddenly I remembered that I needed to take a bath!  And I had heard from Washu that she had done something to the onsen, so I went to ask her if it was okay to use, or if there was something wrong with it.  Well, anyway, I went into Washu's lab and she must have been doing something important because she just yelled at me and told me to leave.  So, anyway, I went back and tried the onsen, and it worked fine, but I forgot to take my watch off, and it got water in it, so I took it to Ryoko, because she had fixed it before.  She was still fighting with Ayeka, and I tried to get them to stop, because I don't like it when they fight, but they kept on fighting, so I took my watch to Washu.  She must have still been in the middle of an important experiment, so she yelled at me again.  I asked her to fix my watch, and she looked at it, but then when I hit a button something exploded and Washu threw me out of her lab and kept my watch, and then I started watching TV until Sasami said, 'Mihoshi, shouldn't you be on patrol?' and I remembered that I was supposed to be on patrol and I came here as fast as I could," Mihoshi said so quickly it seemed as if the whole epic came out in one breath.  Actually, it did, and the patrol was further delayed by Mihoshi falling unconscious from lack of air.

      Moments later, however, Yukinojo was taking off and flying away from the Earth at supersonic speeds, ready to patrol the noninterference zone of the solar system.  Mihoshi began eagerly narrating to her guests the details of a patrol, perfectly playing the part of the good hostess, while Yukinojo took care of everything else.

      "You see," said Mihoshi, "The sensors on Yukinojo are really good, but planets and stuff cause interference.  That's why we have to fly by each one of them, to see if there are any bad guys there.  Usually it's just speeding tickets, and stuff, but every once in a while there'll be a really bad criminal, and then we'll have to pick them up and take them to jail."

      "Uh, Mihoshi," interrupted Yukinojo.

      As usual, Yukinojo had no effect on Mihoshi's train of thought, which was speeding out of the station at incredible speeds and going down every side alley it could find.  "One time, we had a criminal who was a vicious space pirate, and we had to chase him around for a while," she began, launching on a story that her own thoughts had triggered.  Like one of those rooms filled with the ping-pong balls on the mousetraps, memories were being triggered at an exponential rate, and nobody could stop it.

      Kamidake tried.  "Mihoshi, I believe—" he said before Mihoshi continued on her story.

      "We had to disable his engines, and even then, I had to shoot him before he would surrender.  I didn't kill him, and I'm glad, because I don't like to kill people.  I think everybody's pretty nice, just sometimes they do bad things," Mihoshi was continuing deeper into her story, and Azaka attempted to snap her out of it.

      "Miss Mihoshi, I believe that Yukinojo is trying to tell you—"

      "He was really nice, once I helped patch him up and everything.  He promised to be nice, so I let him go.  Nobeyama got really mad at me, but I don't think the criminal has done anything else since he promised not to."

      Finally, all three listeners, Yukinojo, Azaka, and Kamidake, lost their patience and yelled simultaneously, "MIHOSHI!"

      Mihoshi looked up as her train of thought suddenly derailed, killing all of the passengers aboard.  "What?" she asked, completely oblivious to the anger.

      "Mihoshi," said Yukinojo, glad to finally have her attention, "the sensors show that there is a ship violating the speed limit in this sector."

      "Oh!" said Mihoshi cheerily.  "Well...I guess we should pursue them then!"

      "We already have, Mihoshi," responded Yukinojo, exasperation creeping into his voice.  "The hailing frequency is open, and the pilot of the ship is waiting to speak to you."

      "Okay then, put him on screen!" said Mihoshi, glad that this had been easy to do.  A screen immediately materialized in front of Mihoshi, showing the very handsome face of a very anxious man.  He had dark brown hair that fell down the front of his face over his deep green eyes.  Also, he looked pretty built, at least the part of his torso that was visible was.  He looked pretty anxious, but that was common for people who were picked up speeding for the first time.

      "Hello, there, I am Detective First Class Mihoshi, and I apologize for the inconvenience, but you were speeding just then," she said, a comforting smile on her face.

      "I'm sorry, Detective," the man awkwardly apologized.  "I was just in a hurry, and my eye must have slipped off of the speed gauge..."

      "Don't worry about it!" Mihoshi said cheerily.  "The worst you'll have to do is pay a fine!  Just dock with my ship and we'll try to get this done quickly, okay?"

      The man's face brightened visibly, a reaction Mihoshi's cheeriness often elicited from people.  "Okay.  I'll meet with you at these coordinates, okay?"

      A series of numbers flashed up at the bottom of the screen.  "Okay," said Mihoshi as she looked over the coordinates, "I'll see you again in a little bit!"

      The screen winked out of existence and Mihoshi sat down in the pilot's chair.  "Yukinojo, take us those coordinates," she ordered.  The ship immediately turned, flying off to meet the other, less impressive, ship.

      And less impressive it was, especially when compared to Yukinojo.  Marshall Anderson, Mihoshi's grandfather, had pulled a few strings to get his granddaughter one of the most impressive ships available.  The ship they were chasing, however, was very unspectacular.  As a matter of fact, one might even call it a piece of garbage.

      Its body was angular and shaped somewhat like a doorstop, with a bulbous canopy peering out from the angular surface that led up to a flat top.  It was obviously intended to be a one-man ship to be used primarily for short interstellar trips, but had been retrofitted with an old pair of engines that had obviously been for a much larger ship, because they were approximately twice as wide as the ship and half the length.  The two were strapped to the back of the ship with two shiny strips of some sort of metal.  The two strips were new and clearly visible against the old, semi-rusted engines to which they were welded.

      As the two ships neared one another, their docking tubes extended.  Yukinojo's slid out from the top of the ship as it slowly rotated to align itself with the docking tube emerging from the other ship.  They met together with a feather touch, special maneuvering thrusters aligning them together perfectly.  There was a slight shudder throughout the ship as the docking clamps engaged, then everything was back to normal.  Mihoshi walked out of the bridge, leaving behind the two guardians and Yukinojo.

      Jerome's ship had no artificial gravity, so he just let his momentum carry him as he fell back through the panel behind his seat into the small, cramped room in the back of the ship.  It wasn't as much a room as it was a compartment, not even wide enough for Jerome to fully extend his arms.

      Brushing a lock of brown hair from in front of his eyes, Jerome pressed his hands against the sides of the compartment and pushed himself "up", a relative position in a zero-G environment, but one that he automatically associated with the top of the ship.  He reached for a keypad next to a short, circular tunnel that ended in a hatch.  Jerome typed a quick series of numbers and watched as the hatch at the end of the tunnel slid apart, the eight triangular sections recessing into the wall to reveal yet more tunnel.

      Jerome quickly pushed himself up through the tunnel to yet another hatch.  This was where the docking tubes from both ships met, and required both pilots to put in access codes to prevent the use of the tube to stop forced entry through that method.  Thus, it was nicknamed the "safety hatch". They were supposed to be transparent, so the pilot could look through and see who was coming the other way.  However, Jerome's view was obscured by layers of grease and grime, yet another testament the poor condition his ship was in.  It wasn't even really his ship anyway.  It was "borrowed", but he had to hope that the fake registration he'd bought was worth what he had paid.

      After he typed in yet another code, which was actually the same one he had used before, the safety hatch slowly swung open inward, revealing a the clean, transparent surface of the other ship's safety hatch.  Through it, he could see the face of the officer who had pulled him over.  It just reawakened the thoughts he had experienced earlier when he had first seen her.

      *Damn, she's beautiful,* he thought.  She looked up from where she was and waved to him, her lips moving and saying something he assumed was the code to open her safety hatch.  Then he realized something.  She was standing on the ground.  *Oh shit,* he thought, moments before the safety hatch swung open.

      There was a thesis paper written by an exceptional young student on the topic of gravitational fields.  It actually developed a new force, called the Schringser Force, that results in the immediate transference of artificial gravity fields through unblocked space.  There was a lot of stuff about molecules, and to be honest, even Washu couldn't read the whole thing.  But the important thing to know was that the Schringser Force was negated by the electron bonds of certain materials, often metallic.  What that meant was, when the safety hatch swung open, the artificial gravity that was generated within Mihoshi's ship spread to Jerome's ship.

      While you may fail to see the importance of this, Jerome did not.  Especially when he fell, face-first, onto the hard metal flooring of Mihsohi's ship.  He almost released the stream of expletives he had on the tip of his tongue, but immediately remembered he was in the presence of a lady.  A very attractive lady who he wanted to get to know much better.  A lady who might not appreciate his colorful descriptions of one Mr. Schringser.  So, Jerome regained what little of his dignity had been taken away by the cruel artificial gravity, and stood up.

      "Hello there," he began, bowing deeply, "my name is Jerome.  It's a pleasure to meet you."

      "Oh, hello!" Mihoshi said cheerily.  "I'm Mihoshi.  Are you okay?  That was quite a fall.  I mean, I've fallen before, but that one that you took was quite bad.  Are you sure you're okay?"

      "Yes, it was no problem at all.  Just forgot a few theories of physics."  Jerome brushed himself off, smoothing out the fabric of his long black trench coat.  As he was doing this, a few strands of his brown hair fell in front of his eyes again, a situation which his hands immediately moved from his trench coat to remedy.

      "So, if you'll just come with me, then I bet we can get your ticket figured out real fast," Mihoshi said, walking down the corridor to a small room she used for meetings of this sort.  Actually, the room was an observation lounge, and it had a nice view of the stars outside through the window.  There was a small card table set up in it, with a few chairs situated around it.  Jerome pulled out one of the chairs for Mihoshi to sit in.  "Thank you," she said with uncharacteristic politeness.

      "No problem," said Jerome as he sat across the table from her.  "Now, about this ticket..."

      "Right," said Mihoshi, pulling out a small electronic device.  "If you wish to contest the charge, than I need to schedule a date of trial for you."

      "That won't be necessary, I'll just pay the fine," Jerome said.  He glanced nervously around the room.

      Mihoshi noticed.  "Is something wrong?" she asked.

      "Uh, no," Jerome stammered.  "It's just that this is my first time dealing with the police."

      "Oh, well, we're really nice.  At least, I am.  I know some people who aren't very nice.  But a lot of people are really nice.  Like me.  Oh dear," she said, concerned, "I almost forgot about your ticket!  I'm sure you're in a hurry and here I am holding you up.  Your ticket will be one hundred Jurai.  Do you have cash or are you paying with a card?"

      "I have cash," said Jerome, glancing about nervously.  He absently looked down the hall and reached into his coat pocket for his money.  Then he saw something.  It was quick, and just for an instant, but he recognized it.  A Juraian guardian.  *Shit,* he thought, the third time he'd used the expletive since he'd been pulled over.  *A trap!*  His hand moved inside of his jacket, moving up and away from the wad of cash he was carrying, and towards his blaster.

      "Um," said Mihoshi awkwardly, looking down the hall where Jerome had been looking, "did you see something?"

      "I'm afraid I did," he replied, and in one swift motion pulled his blaster from the shoulder holster he wore and leveled it at Mihoshi's face.  

      "I'm sorry about this," he apologized.  Then he yelled out, his voice resonating throughout the ship.  "Juraian Guardians!  I know you're here, and I know you're looking for me!  So just come out peacefully and I'll make sure I don't blow off this police officer's head!"

      Azaka and Kamidake both heard this.

      "We're looking for him?" Azaka asked.

      "He must have one of those Juraian death warrants on his head.  That would explain why he's so scared by our mere appearance," Kamidake replied.

      "I told you we should have checked the database again before we left."

      "Now is hardly the time, Azaka.  I suggest we do what he asks so Mihoshi is not harmed.  It is not imperative that we capture him."

      "I suppose so," said Azaka, "but I could have used a good fight."

      The two guardians floated out of the bridge down the hall, into the observation lounge.  There they saw Jerome, with his gun leveled at Mihoshi's head.  Mihoshi was crying, and Jerome, surprisingly enough, was trying to comfort her.

      "Look, I'm sorry," he apologized.  "You're a great person, I just can't let myself get captured.  If I could, I'd run away, but I know this ship is faster.  C'mon, please stop crying.  Please?"

      "Ahem," said Azaka, bringing Jerome's head back around to face the two guardians.

      "I believe we were after you, and you wanted us to come peacefully?" Kamidake said.

      "Yeah, that's right."  He turned to Mihoshi, who was still crying.  "Look, could you show me to the escape pods?  Please stop crying.  C'mon, I don't want to hurt you.  I promise I won't.  Just please stop crying!"

      "I know the location of the escape pods," said Kamidake, causing Jerome's focus of attention to once again change.

      "Alright, take me to them or I'll blow her head off!" he said.  He immediately turned to the crying Mihoshi.  "No, not really.  Please stop crying.  Nobody will get hurt.  Please stop.  Please?"

      "Right this way," said Kamidake, turning and floating down the corridor to a hatch on it.  "This is the escape pod."

      "Okay, I want you to get inside the escape pod, Guardian!  Go!  You too!" he said to Azaka, gesturing with his gun.  The two guardians slid into the space of the escape pod, its confines becoming immediately cramped when the presence of two large guardians was added.

      "Alright, Mihoshi, I need you to get in the escape pod, now," he said, his voice softening considerably.  "I'm sure a ship will pick up your distress beacon soon, and everything will be okay.  I don't want to hurt you."

      Mihoshi nodded, her eyes beginning to dry, and walked into the pod, trying to position herself comfortably within the small confines.  The two guardians were forced to angle themselves slightly, managing to finally create a niche Mihoshi was able to fit into.  One they were all inside, Jerome pressed the EJECT button, and the pod's hatch slowly slid closed.

      "I really wouldn't have hurt her," Jerome said apologetically.

      "We knew," said Kamidake.

      "Well, then why did you do what I said?"  The door was almost closed, and Jerome had to get down on his hands and knees to speak under it.

      "You know," said Azaka, "that's a good question."

      Anything else the guardians might have said was cut off as the door sealed and pressurized itself.   Moments later, the escape pod was released from the ship, and a brief thrust launched it into space.

*     *      *      *      *

Alright, Azaka and Kamidake have their own fic, which will soon have more parts added to it, just as soon as I finish writing them.  I'm so damn proud of myself.  If you want to send me feedback, or advice, or whatever, email me at rowsdower@seanbaby.com.  And of course, it would be remiss if I did not mention all those who have given me much support and feedback in the form of prereading.  Gotta thank SC, for her support and reading and stuff, and Evil Asian Genius, without whom, this story would still exist, but probably suck ass.  If you deserve thanks and I forgot to mention you, be sure to tell me.  Or kick me.   Whatever.


	2. Part II

DISCLAIMER:  I do not own Azaka and Kamidake, nor any of the other characters of Tenchi Muyo mentioned within.  They are property of AIC and Pioneer, but if you wish to go and stea--liberate them from their cruel masters, be my guest.  Um, but I didn't tell you to.

*     *     *     *     *

A Log's Life

Part II

By Cyrus Marriner

      Mihoshi had always been a phenomenally lucky person.  Her birth had been lucky, as she was family of the Marshal of the Galaxy Police, which had helped her get out of situations many had been reprimanded for.  She had an uncanny knack for stumbling upon clues and accidentally happening upon criminal hideouts.  She had received a grand total of zero wounds in the field, an almost unprecedented number.  She was no marksman, but when she hit things, it was almost always a vital shot, knocking out an engine or disabling a limb.  And the universe be damned if her luck was suddenly going to give out on her now.

      Three thousand years ago, in a nearby solar system, pirates had destroyed a merchant ship.  In the ship's subsequent explosion, a fuel cell the ship had been carrying was propelled at incredible speeds towards the solar system.  More specifically, towards the current point in space in the solar system the escape pod Mihoshi was in was located.

      So, the fuel cell had traveled unmolested through thousands of hundreds of thousands of miles of space.  And now its journey was going to end abruptly, bringing to a halt its unknown bid for the record of "Longest Distance Floating Through Space Without Being Sucked Into a Star".

      There was a loud clunk as the fuel cell slammed into the side of the escape pod.  Well, there would have been a loud clunk except for the fact that sound waves needed matter to travel through, and space has none.

      The fuel cell, while being of impeccable quality, had been pretty badly damaged in the explosion.  Specifically, there was an area where the casing had been almost completely worn through, to the point where a pencil lead could have punctured it.  Naturally, the spinning fuel cell, when it impacted the escape pod, hit the one sharp, jutting corner of metal that had been missed in the last inspection of Yukinojo.  It would have been smoothed over immediately, and classified as a "prevented safety hazard", netting the inspector another twelve Jurai he could have spent on alcohol.  Which was the reason he missed the spot in the first place.

      When the fuel cell impacted the stray corner of the escape pod, the worn portion of the casing was immediately penetrated.  It was a small hole, but one through which the pressurized contents of the cell easily escaped.  

      This might not have been a problem, except for the fact that the cell was traveling through a stream of ionized particles left behind by Yukinojo's thrusters.  The highly volatile fuel immediately reacted with the ionized particles from the engine wash, and the result was this:

      An explosion.

      Of course, whatever luck the universe had planned for Mihoshi would most likely be unnoticed by the two guardians.  This is because Azaka and Kamidake were fighting.  They couldn't maneuver themselves very well in the cramped conditions of the escape pod, but they could definitely hurl verbal taunts at each other.  So they stood, slightly angled to provide room for Mihoshi, each one staring at the other with the lens that functioned as its sole "eye", their considerable masses no more than three inches away from each other.

      "Dammit, Kamidake, we could have taken him!"

      "But if Mihoshi had gotten hurt, then Sasami would be mad at us."

      "We both know that Mihoshi wouldn't have been hurt."

      "We couldn't be sure about that."

      "I think we were sure enough."

      "You would."

      "What does that mean?"

      "Oh, I'm sorry, Azaka.  I guess you must have forgotten the incident on Calumni?"

      "That was not my fault!"

      "Oh, yes, your reckless risk-taking had nothing to do with it."

      "Ah, yes, and I guess your extreme caution had nothing to do with the incident on Pelluci?"

      "I hardly think that is relevant."

      "Oh, and Calumni was?"

      "Are you trying to start something?"

      "I think we already have."

      "When we get out of here, you are mine, Azaka."

      "I dare you to do something, Kamidake."

      "I'd like to see you say that when we get out of here."

      The two guardians were about to come to blows as tensions past bubbled to the surface of this new conflict.  And they very well might have if at that moment, the subtle chain of cause and effect set off by the fuel cell hadn't resulted in a massive explosion that engulfed the escape pod they were in.     

      "DAMMIT!"  Jerome swore rather loudly, this time directing his anger at a rather annoying cable that had worked its way loose from the main mass of wiring and given him a rather unpleasant shock.

      "Was it that same wire?" asked Yukinojo, who was hovering behind Jerome where he was working underneath the main console, continuing to unsuccessfully hotwire the ship's navigational systems so they would bypass the AI safety interlocks.

      "Yes," muttered Jerome.  "Dammit, is there a spanner around here somewhere?"

      "It's over there," replied Yukinojo, who indicated a small panel off to the side of the ship by illuminating all of the lights around it.

      "Thanks," said Jerome as he crawled over to the panel and opened it, rummaging through the tools inside.  "You know, this would go a lot faster if you would just give me control of the ship."

      "I believe I told you that the security interlocks prevent me from turning over authorization of the ship without the consent of the owner or a ranking GP officer."

      "Yes, several times," muttered Jerome as he rooted through the contents of the side compartment.  "Is that a teddy bear?" he asked when he felt something soft and furry.

      "Yes," said Yukinojo.

      "Is that an action figure?"

      "Yes."

      "Is it a Space Police Policeman Action Figure™?"

      "Yes."

      "With Rocket Launcher Accessory™?"  
      "Yes."

      "And Real Karate Chop Action™?"

      "Yes."

      "And Hyperspace Police Cycle™?"

      "Yes."

      "And a Citadel of Evil Playset™?"

      "Yes."

      Jerome paused for a second.  "Cooooool."

      "So, have you found the spanner yet?"

      "Hold on...I'm going to put together the Citadel of Evil Playset™."

      "A new dumbass airhead acquired," Yukinojo commented quietly to himself, quickly changing his opinion of the new captain.

      "What?" asked Jerome.

      "I said, 'All new.  Some assembly required.'"

      "Oh, okay," said Jerome.

      Yukinojo sighed.  It looked like this might be a long hijacking.

      The escape pod flew away from where it had been engulfed by the explosion's brief flame.  There was an ear-splitting screech as metal plates rubbed against each other, trying to escape from their seating.  And then there was a final screeching sound as they did, opening a hole in the escape pod.  And then there was the whistle as the small amount of air in the compartment escaped through that and many other holes.  They widened as the quickly departing air demanded more room through which to escape its confinement.  The pod began ripping itself apart as shifting metal ruptured fuel lines.  These fuel lines were almost instantly ignited as the metal, still blazing hot from the explosion moments earlier, penetrated the lines' insulating material.

      To one watching the vessel from space, it would have looked like there was a brief moment of calm.  One would think the damage was done, figuring the escape pod was destined to float through space forever as a hunk of empty wreckage.

      One would have been proven quite wrong moments later, when everything exploded, sending shards of metal flying at high velocity in random directions.  There was a brilliant fireball which immediately flared out of existence as it consumed all of the oxygen it could in order to prolong its brief life.  As the flame died down, all that was left was the two guardians and a glowing sphere inside of which was a prone Mihoshi.

      "Well, that was sudden," said Azaka.

      "Indeed it was," replied Kamidake.  "We're going to need to get Mihoshi somewhere where she can get oxygen."

      "Where?  We only have limited ion propulsion.  We can't get to a planet in time."

      "I'm well aware of that.  Can we contact--" Kamidake was cut off as he bumped into something.  Something large.  And metal.

      "THE SHIP!" the two guardians exclaimed at once, realizing that although Jerome had left with Yukinojo, he had been forced to leave his own ship behind.

      In the hasty escape Jerome had made with Yukinojo, he had either forgotten or neglected to destroy his ship.  And now, his ship was conveniently going to provide Azaka, Kamidake, and Mihoshi with a ride.

      It was a fairly simple matter reaching the main hatch; the docking tube had automatically retreated inside the ship when Yukinojo detached from it.  However, there was now a new bit of trouble.  There didn't seem to be any way to enter without inputting an access code.  And Azaka and Kamidake, as well made as they were, were designed with defense in mind, so force wasn't an option.

      "Umm...maybe he wrote it down somewhere?" ventured Kamidake.

      "Where?  On the side of the damn ship?!" Azaka yelled.

      "Perhaps we can guess the code?"

      "Yes.  And even if we do, how would we input it?  You recall how well that went with Yukinojo."

      "Well, this isn't exactly Yukinojo.  And, I think I might now how to do it now."

      "The hell you can..."

      Two arguments in one day.  The guardians were on a roll.

      Yukinojo sighed.  The cockpit had been so clean when he had finished his daily tidying.  And it hadn't even been messed up my Mihoshi at all!  And now...now, if Yukinojo could, he would have cried.

      Toys were everywhere.  Panels were randomly torn out with wires splayed across them, action figures and plushies were all over the floor, and Jerome had somehow managed to get gum on the ceiling!  There wasn't even any gum on the ship, particularly after Mihoshi had--well, Yukinojo couldn't remember because he had arranged for someone to delete the incident from his memory.  But he was sure there wasn't any gum on the ship!  And Jerome hadn't been chewing any when he came aboard the ship!  So how the hell had the ceiling ended up with gum on it?  How?

      "Okay, um, I'm looking at a blue wire and a red wire here!  Which one should I cross with this green one?" asked Jerome in his annoying voice.  Yukinojo had found it somewhat pleasant at first, the slight accent providing a bit of change from the norm.  Now it was annoying, a veritable parade of pain playing through his electronic ears.

      "I don't know!" snapped Yukinojo.

      "Okay, I'll just try them both!"

      Yukinojo muttered, a habit he had developed while dealing with Mihoshi.  It was a rare foible for an artificial intelligence to develop, and Yukinojo had it down to an art.  Like twitching.  He was also pretty good at that.

      He had had a lot of time to perfect his twitch now that Jerome had gone from trying to bypass the security interlocks (at which he had done a commendable job) to directly wiring the engine to the main console.  Of course, to do so, he had to rip the main command console out of its seating in the cockpit.

      Yukinojo sighed again.  Another thing he was good at that most artificial intelligences weren't.  His "eyes" moved around the cockpit, surveying the damage.  Again, he had the urge to cry.  For several moments he considered trying to get tear ducts installed so he could.  He quickly dismissed the idea, however.  He was bordering on the edge of lunacy already, and that would surely have him decommissioned into something undesirable, maybe even a--he shuddered briefly--mechanical voice that says "Have a nice day."

      Yukinojo thought about Jerome again and became annoyed.  Why was he asking about different colored wires?  I mean, sure he knew what the green wire did and what the red wire did and what the blue wire did, but why was Jerome asking?  That's what the fricking manual was for!  It should clearly say that the green wire should not be crossed with the blue wire...

      "Oh dear," said Yukinojo.

      "Kabloom!" said the explosion.  A cloud of black smoke shot out of the engine room Jerome in which Jerome was working, staining the walls with soot.  That would be a bitch to get cleaned.  Maybe, if there was justice in the world, the explosion had ended this ill-fated hijacking.

      "Don't worry, I'm okay!" hollered Jerome.

      "Dammit," Yukinojo muttered.

      "I think I might have broken something, and it's leaking some sort of caustic substance all over the--Oh, crap.  Do you have some paper towels or something?"

      At that moment, Yukinojo knew what he had to do.  He made a vow to himself.  He said it aloud, to make sure it sounded as good as it did in his mind.  "I want to kill this moron."

      "What?" asked Jerome from the engine room.

      "I said, 'Is what you spilled the boron?'"

      "No, I think it's some sort of hydrogen-based acid...maybe.  OW!  It doesn't feel good on the skin, I'll tell you that!"

      Mutter.

      "You're going to use your feet?" Azaka said in disbelief.

      "Yes, I am.  They have a much smaller surface area than anywhere else," the other guardian said as he maneuvered himself around in space so he could touch the keypad.

      "Alright, I guess it's the best plan we have.  Any ideas on the keycode?"

      "Um...well, I'm hoping to get lucky."

      "Okay, give it a shot."

      Kamidake slowly rotated, using his contained ion drives to position himself perfectly on the keypad.  Then he gave himself a little thrust...and crushed the keypad like aluminum.

      "Oops.  I may have given it a bit too much," Kamidake said.

      "What happened?" asked Azaka, whose view was obscured by Mihoshi. He was generating a force field around her, the only thing preventing all of the oxygen from escaping into space.

      "Um," Kamidake began, when he suddenly heard a distinct, female voice.

      "What are you doing here?"

      Analytical programs and sensors in Kamidake began working immediately to discover from where the new voice had come.  It wasn't so much a voice as it was a short burst transmission of radio waves, which was what facilitated communication in space.  Because, as everyone knows, sound waves need matter to travel through, which is why there is no sound in space.  Kamidake's sensors quickly determined that the ship was talking to him, and that it was using a focused wave transmission, which meant Azaka could not hear any of this.

      "I need a ride," Kamidake said back over the same frequency, immediately chastising himself for being so lame.

      "Sorry babe, you don't have the access code," came back the voice.

      "Please, we desperately need you.  Otherwise the woman over there will run out of air and die!" Kamidake urgently transmitted.

      "Hmmm...I'll do this for you, if you do something for me," returned the voice.

      "Whatever it is, I'll do it."

      "Love me."

      Kamidake paused.  He was, as were many other artificial intelligences, capable of feeling love.  However, because the evolved need to pass on his genes wasn't present, AI's rarely felt a strong desire to love or be loved.

      Kamidake looked at Mihoshi again.  "Okay.  I'll love you forever, if you let us into the ship."

      "Forever?" the voice echoed, then laughed.  "I only want a one-night stand kind of thing.  We just interface, then we go our separate ways.  I'm not looking for some sort of commitment, honey."

      "Fine.  Whatever you want.  Just let us in."

      "Alright, baby.  I hope you're as good as you sound."

      The connection closed, and then the hatch opened, giving them access to the airlock.

      "Kamidake, I don't know what you did, but it worked!" Azaka congratulated.

      "Neither do I," Kamidake muttered to himself.  All he knew was that he suddenly felt very dirty.

      Jerome had finally gotten everything connected and working.  It had taken two more explosions and a brief mistake that had shorted out half of the ship and caused the coffee maker to start working overtime, making a nice batch of steaming hot carpet stain, but it was finally working.  Also, there had been at least three paint spills while Jerome had been trying to cover up the marks he had made on the walls.  Which had made it worse, because the paint he had found was at least three shades off.  And there were scuffmarks on the floors everywhere, thanks to the boots Jerome wore.

      "What are the coordinates for the Histur System, Yukinojo?" Jerome asked as he fiddled with some connections on the control panel.

      "They're one point nine nine seven," Yukinojo paused.  If he were to set the next coordinate just a little off, the ship would fly into a star.  It would end the existence of this idiot.  It would end his, as well, but that would mean he would never have to deal with Jerome or Mihoshi again.

      Yukinojo quickly shed the thought.  He wasn't that psychotic.  Yet.  After another paint spill, though...

      "Hey, you trailed off after seven there!" Jerome called.

      "Sorry," apologized Yukinojo.  "Seven."

      "No that's where you stopped."

      "Yes, and then it's a seven."

      "No, the seven comes after the nine."

      "THE SEVEN IS AFTER THE SEVEN!  THE NUMBER IS ONE POINT NINE NINE SEVEN SEVEN!" Yukinojo yelled, silently adding a "moron" at the end.

      "Okay, I got it.  No need to yell," Jerome said as cheerily as ever.

      Yukinojo looked around the surrogate cockpit Jerome had set up in the engine room.  He was sitting up against the wall with the console he had cannibalized from the normal cockpit in his lap.  There were wires running from it to the engine, where it was directly hooked up to the main controls.  This bypassed the security circuits, allowing him to pilot the ship as opposed to floating aimlessly in space.

      And they had been aimlessly floating for a while.  Jerome had done a good job at stymieing the initial security protocols, but while he had one many battles, he had lost the war.  The engines had shut down, and now the ship was just floating.

      But, after long last, the engines were flaring to life and directing them to the Histur System, and nothing could stop them.  Although that didn't stop Yukinojo from trying.

      There was a small toolbox, filled with lots of heavy painful tools, teetering over Jerome's head.  It was perfectly aligned, too.  So Yukinojo did something to rectify the problem.  At least, the problem as he saw it.  He made the thrusters on the port side fire quickly, jostling everything on the ship.

      The toolbox fell towards Jerome's head.  And he didn't see it coming.

      "Wake up, Mihoshi.  Wake up."  This was the first thing Mihoshi heard as she returned to consciousness.  It was Kamidake's voice, telling her to wake up.  And she was graciously complying.

      "What happened?  Am I dead?"

      It was a fairly valid concern.  As near as Mihoshi's dazed mind could tell, she was floating in a black void.  The artificial gravity was off, and she was still nearly blind still from the brilliant explosion of which she had been at the epicenter.  So, as far as Mihoshi could tell, she was dead.  And Kamidake's deep, rich voice was close enough for Mihoshi to assume it was God's.  She wasn't in a moment of complete lucidity.

      "No, you're not dead.  This is Kamidake.  Azaka and I are here with you."

      "You and Azaka died?  This is all my fault!" Mihoshi wailed.

      "No, no," came Azaka's voice from her other side.  "We just took you to a better place."

      "You mean we've moved on?  We're all dead?" Mihoshi began sniffling, on the verge of tears.

      "Oops," said Azaka.  "Bad choice of words there."

      "Indeed," agreed Kamidake.  "Look, we're right here with you, Mihoshi.  Just open your eyes and look at the light."

      "The light?  I AM DEAD!" Mihoshi cried.  "And you are too, and it's all my fault.  If I had been faster or better or smarter we wouldn't be dead right now and you could go back to Ayeka and I could go back and have breakfast with Tenchi and we could--ACK!"

      Mihoshi sputtered and opened her eyes as she was sprayed by water from an old fire prevention system the ship had turned on.  "Just open your damn eyes, honey," said the ship's AI in its pleasantly feminine voice.

      "Are you God?" asked Mihoshi.

      "No, I'm Sakana.  Now get up and figure out where the hell you are."

      "I'm in hell?" Mihoshi asked.  "Oh, what did I do wrong?  I thought I was a good person!  I tried to help people!  I know that sometimes they ended up crying and threatening to kill me, but I wanted to help!"

      "You are NOT in hell," Sakana said firmly.  "You are not dead.  You are in a space ship."  
      "Oh," said Mihoshi.  "Well, why is God talking to me?"

      "KAMIDAKE IS NOT GOD!" Sakana exclaimed.  "Although, now that I think about it, I hope he can work miracles in the sack..."

      "What?" said both Azaka and Mihoshi.

      "Oh, nothing.  Don't you two worry about it," Sakana said.

      "What happened to the escape pod?" Mihoshi asked.

      "It exploded," explained Azaka.

      "You were there, remember?  In the center?" said Kamidake.

      "A bright flash?" Azaka elaborated.  "Loud boom?"

      "I fear the girl may have had some brain trauma," Sakana said.

      Azaka and Kamidake looked at each other, then began chuckling.

"That's okay," said Azaka, "you just don't know Mihoshi."

      "OW!  OW OW!  DAMMIT OW!  SHARP!  OW!  HEAVY OW OW OW!"

      "Not even unconscious," Yukinojo muttered, as Jerome flailed and ducked underneath the barrage of heavy, oftentimes sharp, tools.  Yukinojo watched the spectacle unfold, and began to regret the wisdom of his actions.  He would have to clean up this mess, after all.

      "Whew," said Jerome, standing up and brushing himself off, "that was close."

      "Yes, it certainly was.  We must have hit some sort of object," Yukinojo lied.

      "I knew there was an asteroid belt near our location, but I was unaware that we were so close already."

      "I believe it was just a random piece of debris.  If you come to the actual bridge, I can show you our current progress."  Yukinojo turned around and left the engine room, adding, "...if you didn't rip out that cord already," on his way out.

      Jerome moved forward, or at least tried to.  Then a strange look passed Jerome's face and his eyes turned downwards, to his feet.  He grunted audibly once, then reached down and grabbed his right leg, and began pulling.  When that leg refused to budge, he tried the other, somehow managing even less success.

      "How did this happen?" he asked himself, scratching his head.  Jerome leaned back and sat, figuring he would be able to ponder this sudden occurrence just as well seated as standing.  And he immediately leapt up when something sharp and stabbing poked him in the rear.

      At least, he tried to leap.  It ended up being more of him throwing himself forward, rotating about the axis generated by his stuck feet.  He landed face first on the deck with a thud.

      "Ow," he said, propping himself up on his elbows.  His right hand instinctively went to his buttocks, looking for the sharp stabbing thing on which he had sat.  Finding it, he grimaced for a moment and pulled it out, then brought it in front of him.  It was a piece of glass.  And it had part of a label on it, too.  Jerome read aloud:

      "Industrial Strength Adhesive.  Warning: Do not let come in contact with skin or eyes.  If skin or eye contact occurs, dissolve with a solution of one half--" Jerome looked at the piece.  "One half what?  And what's the other half?" he asked frantically.

      Quickly, Jerome pulled himself up into a crouching position and began looking around for the rest of the label.  After sifting through several pieces of glass and getting quite a few cuts on his hands, Jerome still had no more answers.  And his ankles were starting to hurt.  

      Resigned, Jerome reached over to the command console he had set up so he could work on plotting the ship's course, or something equally unnecessary and menial.  As luck would have it, the impact had jarred the console just out of reach.

      "I really wish I hadn't taken off my shoes." Jerome said forlornly, casting a downward glance at his poor stuck feet.

      "Alright, that problem's solved," Azaka said with relief.

      The last ten minutes had been spent convincing Mihoshi that she was not dead, and that Yukinojo had been hijacked.  The second had been much easier than the first, but Mihoshi was even worse than usual.  The blow on the head had dizzied her to the point of mild retardation.

      "So, where is Yukinojo?" Mihoshi asked.  Azaka was strongly reconsidering his earlier statement about Mihoshi just being Mihoshi.

      "Yukinojo was hijacked," Kamidake explained.  Again.

      "What?  When did this happen?  We've got to find him!" Mihoshi exclaimed.

      "Can I hit her?" Azaka asked, advancing from the back of the terribly cramped ship.

      "No," Kamidake said, cutting off his approach.  "We've just got to help her regain her memory, because cheap tricks like bonking people on the head to fix their brains only work in--"

      Kamidake was interrupted by a loud, metallic "KAWANG".  This noise had come about thanks to the ship's computer, which had tired of this and figured she'd either fix Mihoshi's brain of knock her out, either of which would be an acceptable result to her.

      "--cartoons."

      "We need to find Yukinojo!" Mihoshi exclaimed.

      "If you had a foot, it would be in your mouth," Azaka said smugly.

      "I don't have a mouth, either," Kamidake muttered.  He turned to Mihoshi.  "How can we find Yukinojo?"

      "Well, I have my control cube," she said, reaching up to her hat to pull of a fluffy white ball that immediately took the form of a pink cube.  She began twisting the faces, like it was a pink lemonade Jell-o Rubik's cube.  The first twist changed her outfit into orange and purple combat armor.  The next twist caused her pistol to appear out of subspace and land on top of Azaka.  The next twist changed her clothes back to her normal GP uniform.  The next twist caused a beam of light to emanate from the cube, like a flashlight.  Except instead of being aimed in front of Mihoshi, it was aimed at her face.

      "Ack!" she exclaimed as she flipped over the back of the pilot's seat in an attempt to escape the sudden bright light.  She looked around sheepishly for a moment, then apologized.

      "Sorry."  Once she was reseated, she twisted it another time, and finally got the desired result.  A soft, feminine voice came out of the cube.

      "Thank you for accessing the GP handbook.  How may I assist you?" it asked.

      "Yes, could you tell me how to work the GP issue watch, model--" she paused to look at the numbers inscribed on it, "--10B Series?"

      "What is the desired function you wish to operate?"

      "That was a little redundant, wasn't it?" Kamidake whispered to Azaka.

      "Shut up," the voice politely said.

      "Excuse me?" Kamidake asked.

      "Can you explain the tracking systems?  Specifically for tracking a stolen Galaxy Police Cruiser?" Mihoshi asked before the help file could get in an argument with Kamidake.

      "Simply press the mode settings button until you are in 'distress tracking mode'.  Then your cruiser should be clearly displayed and labeled in the holographic display."

      "Thanks!"

      "Do you have any other queries?" the help file asked.

      "I do," Azaka interjected.  "Just where the hell do you get off telling my friend to shut up?"

      "Do you want a piece of this, fatass?" the help file asked, retaining its pleasant tone.

      "Who do you think you're calling fatass, you ignorant little help file?  I'd rather have a poorly translated instruction manual, myself," Azaka said smugly to Kamidake.

      "Perhaps you should remove the stick from your ass before you start to take its shape.  Oh, wait, too late!" the help file retorted.

      "What did you just say?" Azaka shot back, his voice on the verge of yelling.

      "I said you can take your crappy log-shaped BEEOOOOP."  The strange sound at the end was caused by Mihoshi twisting her control cube to deactivate the program.

      "Alright," she said to herself, ignoring the steamed guardians and concentrating on the watch, "I need to change it to distress tracking mode."

      Mihoshi pressed a button on the side of the watch a few times, then pressed a button on the face.  Three wide, concentric circles of varying colors popped up above it.  After a moment, they all rotated and tilted, displaying various red dots with characters near them.

      "Sakana, lay in a heading of one point nine nine two seven.  That's where Yukinojo is."

      "Aye-aye, captain," Sakana said with a touch of sarcasm in her voice.  Engines flared and soon the humble crew was on their way to rescue Yukinojo.

      Yukinojo was, at the moment, in very little need of rescuing.  In fact, he was listening to the Dies Irae passage of Guiseppe Verdi's Requiem, effectively drowning out the pathetic pleas Jerome was making from the engine room.  It was another curiously humanlike trait he had developed.  Listening to music, not ignoring the cries of those in need.  Besides, the fool was just stuck to the floor by some adhesive.  Yukinojo could bring him some solvent once they reached the planet.

      Right now, the AI was enjoying the peace the powerful choral piece brought him.  If he had arms, they would be making wild gestures like those of a conductor.  But spastic and reminiscent of a drug-induced seizure.  Yukinojo had no artificial appendage control built into his intelligence, so he would be effectively unable to control them properly.

      However, he could control his body, a pink set of domes attached to tracks on the ceiling through a series of hinged arms.  And Yukinojo was controlling his body, pirouetting about the bridge to the music.  He had been doing so since the beginning, starting with the first long choral note, through which he did a tight spin while moving up and down in a corresponding pattern with the brass notes playing in the background.

      With each powerful brass note, Yukinojo burst forward and like a striking snake and just as quickly retracted with each following beat of the bass drum.  For the next long choral note, he moved from one end of the track to which he was connected to the other, once again moving up and down in correspondence with the background notes.

      For the next series of notes, Yukinojo held his position through the brief initial note, then jerked up on his middle hinge to each burst of sound and returned to his original position on the bass drum note.

      He quickly pulled himself as close as possible to the ceiling, and slowly lowered himself with the choral note, slowly speeding his descent with the steps of the mounting crescendo.  When he was fully extended, he began rotating and sliding along the track to the series of four brief choral notes, the first of which was always accented by the full voices of the choir singing it.

      And at the end of the track, he came face to face with Jerome.

      "GAH!" he exclaimed, inches from Jerome's face.  He quickly regained his composure.  "What took you so long?"

      "I glued my feet to the floor," Jerome answered briskly.

      "What?" Yukinojo said, doing an excellent acting job.  "Wait, nevermind.  Just, how did you unglue yourself?"

      "I didn't.  Laser cutter."  Jerome pointed to his feet for emphasis.  And sure enough, attached to his feet were two large, fairly circular pieces of the floor.

      If Yukinojo had a heart, he would have had a heart attack.  But he didn't, so he just managed for a few moments of astounded silence while staring that Jerome's new shoes.  "I think," he paused for a second.  "I think I have some solvent that could work on that."

      "Cool!" Jerome said.  "How much longer until we reach our destination?"  He walked over to the command chair, his feet making annoying clomp sounds with every step.

      "I hate my life," Yukinojo said sadly.

      "What?"

      "I said 'We're late.  By nine.'"

      "Nine?" Jerome said, obviously confused.

      "Oh, right, you don't use Greenwich Mean Time.  About one hour," Yukinojo replied.  "New let me see if I can't find that solvent."

      As he left the bridge, Yukinojo muttered to himself, "I'm going to find the one that burns, too."

      Mihoshi's motionless form floated through the weightless cabin of the Sakana, asleep.  The ship was using its FTL drives in their search of Yukinojo, but it was still taking long enough for Mihoshi to take a nap.  Azaka and Kamidake had gone into a low-power mode.  Not to conserve energy, as their fusion reactors would last for a few more decades, but because there was little for them to do and it allowed them to conserve power in case of an emergency.

      They were all floating because Sakana was low on fuel, and could only make it if certain functions were deactivate.  So, after a bit of deliberation, artificial gravity, shields, and the stereo system were deactivated.  In that order.

      And thus, the inhabitants of the small one-man vessel were floating around, bumping into each other on a regular basis.  The only results of the collisions were a slight mutter and a brief movemont of arms, part of a comical attempt to roll over while half asleep in zero g.

      And so, it caused quite a stir when Sakana decided to wake the sleeping trio up by temporarily switching on artificial gravity.

      "OW!" came three startled voices, accompanying the thuds of their accompanying bodies hitting the deck.

      Azaka was the first one back on his feet.  Well, at least what counted as his feet.  "What was that for?" he asked.

      "I needed to wake you up."  If she could have, Sakana would have shrugged along with the comment.  "We've arrived."

      Mihoshi was first to the window.  "That's where Yukinojo is?"

      Azaka was second.  "Huh.  The planet looks familiar somehow."

      Kamidake was third.  "I concur."

      The comm. crackled with a burst of static, then sound greeted their ears.  "Welcome to Pelluci, please state your business."

      Both Azaka and Kamidake made a slight gagging noise, and if they could have, they would have blanched.  "Is something wrong?" Sakana asked.

      "The planet Pelluci is, thusfar, the only planet to have refused allegiance with the Juraian Empire," Kamidake said.

      "In no small part to our friend Kamidake here," Azaka added.

      "Quiet," Kamidake snapped at Azaka.  "Anyway, as such, it is a haven for smugglers, bounty hunters, and wanted criminals."

      "What's your point?" Sakana asked.

      "My point is, that there are any number of people here who would gladly take the opportunity to kill a Galaxy Police officer or any sign of the Juraian Empire."

      "What would they do to a Galaxy Police cruiser?" Mihoshi asked.

      "I don't want to know," Kamidake responded.

      "I really don't want to know."

*     *     *     *     *

Thanks to Geoduck for ID'ing the passage of Verdi's Requiem I was referring to in that one scene.  It's a great piece, and I recommend it for download wholeheartedly.  And additional music thanks to SC for helping me with the terminology.  Anything I got wrong is one hundred percent my fault, though.  SC knows her music.  Major thanks to Hospitaller and Evil Asian Genius for their proofreading efforts.  Two of the best, they are.


End file.
